So I stopped blogging for a season, did you notice? Maybe not. I sure did though. I had this looming fear that everything that transpired during this time where I had stopped I would forget (due to my crazy mommy brain that has never ended).

After the whole situation with having to give up Prada (so silly I know) but my heart was slightly broken and I just didn't know what to write. Even if it was just a memory I wanted to keep of the kids.

Dogs really are a part of the family and she had been with us longer then our children but at the end of the day our children are our first priority so we had to make a really hard decision.

Brent and I have talked about getting a new dog and the truth is I am just not ready yet. We have also talked about moving/building and if that happens having a puppy wouldn't be wise. We are going to wait and see how the next few years look and when we feel like the time is right we will for sure hop on the dog train again.

So much has transpired in the past months. I think the best thing I can do is to just pretend like no time has transpired because I can't possibly recap the past months lol. Lets be real I don't have that type of time. I mostly blog in my spare time in the bath LOL!

Anyways I hope and pray you are all doing well. I should post again VERY soon!

Prada

On the week of my birthday Prada got into the sheep pen. She bit one of the lambs. The next day she got in and killed 3 sheep. One died from a punctured windpipe the other two died from the stress of the attack. 

Prada had been a great dog for 7 years. She's always been a great dog to us and our kids. Let's just say this has been a really hard week. We found a new home for her. {somewhere with no animals and no children}

Today we said our goodbyes.

Animals become part of your family. We know it was the right choice but it's still been such a hard situation to walk through with our kids and for us. 

My heart is broken. We miss her already, immensely. Audrey and I took it the hardest. We are cuddles up in my bed during naptime chatting about her and how much we love her. 

It's really hard to get into the details and the decision making process around it. Just pray for us as we grieve for Prada. Although she is just in another home, it's still a loss and a hard one for children to understand. A hard one for us as well. This was something we never thought we'd have to walk through. 

Leather pants

I always swore I would never humiliate my kids and be that mom that wears leather pants....

Why would I say that. Because I remember being picked up in middle school by my mom in them and how my guy friends talked about her for weeks. It horrified me....

BUT

I love them.

Someone gifted me a pair....

I can't help but say to myself 'as long as I stop wearing them before they are in middle school...right?'

Worms

Beckham don't bite your nails

-why

Because you'll get worms in your tummy and they will come out your bum (yes I did just become my mom)

-really?

Yes

-I want worms, then I pull them out and play with them 

😳😳😳😳😳

Profound Pause

I had to pause today. I had this huge moment with beckham. It started with something and turned into something beautiful. 

Beckham is full throttle. He is a food machine. When meal time comes it's a little dose of chaos. The excitement is there the manners not quite. 

For lunch he had:

Peanut butter on crackers 

Apples

Pepperoni sticks 

Cheese 

Apple sauce 

Cherry tomatoes 

Kinda a mish mash. Naptime was approaching and I decided they could have a 'treat' a chocolate protein shake. It's jammed with nutrition but totally scrumptious. 

Anyways I handed it to him. Cup full. He was so excited. Within 10 seconds his jittery excited hands and gulping body threw the cup. Not really threw...but if you saw the mess you'd have thought he'd have thrown it. It litterly flung over my entire kitchen. It was mayhem. 

I looked at him with disappointment. His tears welled up in his eyes. I exasperatedly said 'that's it Beckham go get your blanket it's naptime. If you spill your shake you don't get any more . Get into bed' {we are all about natural consequences}

He sobbed all the way into bed. Proceeded to sob and sob while I cleaned it up. I was mega annoyed. This is not the first time this has happened. If I'm honest fluids get spilled almost daily between one child or the other. 

As I finished cleaning up the mess I shook it off and went to go tuck him for naptime. I crawled into bed next to him. Has quietly crying with the covers over his face. I came up behind him and put my arms around him. He pulled his head out. 

'Mommy do you still love me'

Heart shattered into a million pieces. He believes my love for him is conditional. Conditional on behaviour, conditional on acts, conditional on earning it. Do you see the parallel.

I quietly asked. 'If you spill or make a mess do you think mommy loves you?'

'No'

I am a devasted puddle on the floor. 

'Beckham I would love for forever and always, to the moon and back times infinity if you spilled you shake 100 times a day.'

A smile crept on his face 

'You still love me if I do naughty things?'

'Beckham I will love you no matter what you do. I will love you the same everyday. Sometimes mommy gets cranky, sometimes mommy gets disappointed, sometimes mommy gets mad but my love for you is the same.'

'If I bite Audrey you will still love me'

{laughter}

'Yes, but don't bite her because I'll still get mad and discipline you, but I will always love you.'

He took his hand in my hand and whispered 

'Thank you mommy'

Why was this profound. This is me daily. I feel like I constantly fail Jesus. I feel like I am not enough. I feel like I am underserving of his love. Instead of hiding under the blankets sad that I have yet again fallen short I need to take Jesus' hand that he is holding out to me and simply thank him for his mercy, his grace, his forgiveness. I am that 'shake' thrown all over my kitchen. I am that mess that he has to clean up. I am so thankful that I have a Heavenly Father that takes my hand even when I hide away. 

I honestly felt like this was a Jesus moment. He showed me through my son how much a mother loves her child and how it has no conditions. He showed me how eternal his love was for me regardless of my messiness. 

Being a mommy has been a huge gift to me. He has showed me more of who he is and what it means to have a Father and someone to love me without conditions. 

Thank you Jesus for Beckham, thank you for his tender heart. He is such an amazing blessing to myself and our whole family. You knew exactly what you were doing when you gave us him. He is our treasure (one of two treasures you have entrusted with us)

Audreys imaginary friend

Mommy I have a friend named tutu

You do? (Me)

Yup, he came to me when you were sick and daddy was with me 

Oh that's fun (me)

He makes me laugh because he does knock knock jokes

What joke did he tell? (Me)

Knock knock, whose there? Hedge, hedge who... BLESS YOU hahahaha oh Tutu you're so funny (procedes to laugh while slapping her knee)

What a funny guy (me)

He's not real, he's imaginary mommmmm. He's pretend but I like him ok?

Can he give high fives? (Me)

Yup! Tutu give her a high five, it's ok!

*high five to air*

Poop talk

'Mommy if I ate all the cookies you made I would have a ginormous poop. So big it would be a bridge we could walk on. We wouldn't walk on it because it would be stinky poop' 

#whataudreysaid

#mommylaughed