Impending Doom

Ok, this is going to be the most bizarre post ever. I'm pretty sure that most people who read this are girls so whatever. I'm just going to go there.

I am the most regular person I have ever met. Usually to the same hour. Well as everyone knows me and pregnancy aren't friends and because of that we took permenant measure to avoid it. It was very hard. It destroyed my heart and spirit. It took me well over a year to become 'Sheena' again. Why you might ask? Well 'two' was never a number I thought we'd stop at. Meaning I longed for more children. Brent is a doll, he just felt this was the hand we were handed and felt content so it was totally good in his eyes.

Some days I just never understood why God would put these desires in my heart if it was not in his plan. I went through a stage of not even wanting to be around babies, pregnant people or newborns for that matter. (Lets just say dont plan on me ever going to a single other baby shower) It just hurt. I felt anger and sadness so often. It was just absolutely awful as I wanted a 3rd by the time Beckham was six months old. 

I felt blessed by giving the gift of having children and being able to easily get pregnant no matter how tremendously hard my pregnancies were. 

Anyways back to the main topic.

Brent got snipped. Well you are supposed to go back for a test to make sure everything is 100% and I asked him not to do it. So silly I know. I just didnt want to know. I guess I wanted the door to be open so that I could have faith that if it was meant to be and God wanted us to have another child it would be 'easier' to have faith that 'it' could happen. So anyways no test means no confirmation that its 100% even though I'm the most fertile person I know and if if was going to happen it would have happened AGES ago. 

Anyways. Totally bouncing all around the place. This month I'm 3 days late. Usually I'm to the hour ( lol, 9pm) so I can't help but hold my womb and pray that maybe it's a baby and was meant to be. I know it's rediculous. We do after all have a fabulous and inexpensive babysitter so realistically it wouldn't be as horrible as having to rely on others to help us. I start talking myself through all these situations about how it wouldn't be a bad thing. 

This is totally Sheena. Jumping the gun. 

Anyways day 3 late, convinced myself to take a pregnancy test. Negative. Lets be honest there is a reason Brent got snipped. An honest and legitimate reason. It was a decision we made together based on a hard situation. 

Today I can't help but be a lil sad though.  I know it's for the best. I know it's a choice we made. Today, I'm a little sad though.

Today if I'm entirely honest I'm a little mad at God for toying with my heart. I know that sounds rediculous. It just feels like I can't handle when seeds of hope are planted and even though they are so so so impossible and so so so silly it's just still disheartening. 

So I am going to curl up on the couch with a special treat and give my babies am extra cuddle while we watch a special movie and I wait for the impending doom of my period to arrive...now I know it's coming because of that lil test I peed on. 

I also might have some self pity so prob don't call me. I might be at my sassiest.

Don't get me wrong. I'm blessed. I know I'm blessed. Today, if I'm honest I'm just doing a lil mourning for the baby we will never have. I am aware of how cray cray I sound lol. Also keep in mind how badly I am PMSing lol so let me keep my crazy pants on and ill put my happy pants on tomorrow after I've enjoyed the Starbucks Frap I'm going to insist Brent picks up for me on his way home and the chick flick I will use as a method to lift my silly spirits. 

Brushing teeth

Sometimes the small things can still be adventures.

Brushing teeth.

Letting Audrey dress herself...

Yes Beckham spat on the counter 

Yes Audrey is wearing three pairs of pants.

Road Rash

Audrey had her first serious accident. She was running down a hill while we were camping and totally 'biffed it'

She split her lip, skinned her elbows, knees, and lip. She cried really hard for one of the first times-usually she shakes if off like a champ. It was crushing. I now understand how a parent wishes they could take the pain on themselves instead of having there child suffer. My heart broke in a million pieces for her. She was really lucky her tooth tooth didnt go all the way through her lip-it looked close! Otherwise we would have been getting stitches!

When the bible refers to Gods love like a father I had a light bulb moment. It makes sense if he loves us like his own children why he would sacrifice so much to take away our suffering. It also makes sense why we are jerks and selfish if we are the children lol.

I always tell Brent he needs to be home more because in this stage. In the right now our kids will never love or need us more then they do now . I heard a great quote a long time ago. 'The only time your children need you is when they are young or when they have young children and if you aren't around during those times they won't need you during the rest'. I guess this is kind of off tangent lol. I will just be sad when the day comes when I won't have any ouchies to kiss, tummies to tickle, lil ones to chase, and hands to hold.

This stage. This summer. I adore it. These ages are just bliss. We truly are cherishing every moment. I think we are cherishing it even more because we know we can't have anymore babies so we just want to hold every moment and milestone close to our hearts as we watch the two most amazing kids conquer the world.

I LOVE SUMMER

Why haven't I been posting? Because we have been SO busy with so many beautiful summer things!!

Whistler

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We took our kids to whistler for a weekend for Brent's birthday and Father's Day. It was a fabulous weekend. Multiple Starbucks visits alongside park time of course&long walks. We had a blast. We really enjoyed spending quality time as a family. The kids caught tadpoles at lost lake and got completely filthy. It was after a walk around the lake and we didnt have them outfitted in bathing suits but we let them get filthy and wet in there cloths. They thought it was a hoot. Audrey also really enjoyed catching dead tad poles lol mostly because the dead ones are obviously easier to catch. Audrey also developed a fear for spiders on this trip. She called me into her room screaming one night. When she told me there was a spider in her room she was horrified. I tried to make her think spiders were nice---she didn't by it. I did this because Brent was out and I didn't want her to see my horror when it comes to spiders. Well she proceeded to say. 'They are not nice they go grrrr grrrr and bite you on your face' she had hand gestures and sound effects and it was frightening---needless to say I killed the spider. I did it like a champ. Yuck!! It was so nice to just have a whole weekend together it had been a full year at least since we spent that amount of time together so it was heavenly and much needed. Brent and I did take out one night post kids in bed so it was like a date night in. So fun!

Young Families Camping

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Us and 10 families from our church went camping at golden ears in maple ridge and it was a sleepless blast. Why a sleepless blast? Well our monkey (Beckham) found out how to get out of te playpen for the first time. It was heartbreaking for me. He then had a hard time staying warm so landed up sleeping...not in our bed but instead on top of me hahaha. So I guess everyone slept good but me. 35lbs of tossing and turning sweaty drooly baby is not super easy to sleep with. We actually had a blast and the kids played HARD. We beached it up and went on a decent hike. It was fabulous. Of course post kids in bed bonfire is always a good time as well. 

Williams Park

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Countless Williams park days. We just love it there. We found this perfect private spot that we try and get everytime. It's got a clay wall and the kids dig and cover themselves and us in clay. It's right by the stream and the kids will make creations in the sand all day. It's just a perfect place to spend the whole day!!!

Soccer Camp

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Audrey had a soccer camp for 3-5 yea olds. She landed up being the youngest by 5 years. It was totally darling. Might have made me choke up a couple times. She was so cute and tried so hard. A few times she would run down the field and simply collapse for no reason alongside another toddler who collapsed for no reason. We couldn't help but giggle a couple times. Audrey is for sure very agile for her age and impresses me non stop with her abilities.

VBS

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Audrey has been doing this VBS at a church near our house and having a blast. It's been nice because Beckham and I get a lil one on one time together. She's come home with crafts and tells me about all the fun things she gets to do. Doing VBS really has shown me how much she really is going to adore doing preschool.

Bonfires

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We had a record of 9 bonfires 9 nights in a row all with different groups of friends. It's been a blast. We are now a lil socially tired lol hard to believe an extrovert like me could get to that point but its true. We are taking a break this week till our next bonfire party.

Seattle

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We are going to Seattle for our anniversary for 3 nights/4 days eeek so excited. I'm sure ill post about it 

Zoo

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So many late night walks and dinner picnics at the zoo. So much fun. Best decision we ever made was buying the zoo passes.

Fishing

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Brent has a whole extended weekend fishing trip planned with my dad. They are both pretty pumped and excited about that. I'm excited about forcing Brent into eating more fish this year. He's a great fisherman. Not a great fish eater.

Camping at Lake Goodman

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We are going camping with friends at a lake near tulalip. I'm sure ill do a post about it after. Lets just say the girls are doing some shopping!

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Needless to say we have been enjoying summer to the fullest. It's been fabulous. We had a wild year so I honestly feel like we deserve some fun&family time! Brent's been working hard and long hours but still been making sure to schedule lots of fun and family time!!

Chill pill needed

I'm very puntual

I'm very clean

I'm working in taking a chill pill

It's ok when people are late 

It's ok when people walk on my clean floor in there shoes.

Ha ha. Sigh.