I am the most regular person I have ever met. Usually to the same hour. Well as everyone knows me and pregnancy aren't friends and because of that we took permenant measure to avoid it. It was very hard. It destroyed my heart and spirit. It took me well over a year to become 'Sheena' again. Why you might ask? Well 'two' was never a number I thought we'd stop at. Meaning I longed for more children. Brent is a doll, he just felt this was the hand we were handed and felt content so it was totally good in his eyes.
Some days I just never understood why God would put these desires in my heart if it was not in his plan. I went through a stage of not even wanting to be around babies, pregnant people or newborns for that matter. (Lets just say dont plan on me ever going to a single other baby shower) It just hurt. I felt anger and sadness so often. It was just absolutely awful as I wanted a 3rd by the time Beckham was six months old.
I felt blessed by giving the gift of having children and being able to easily get pregnant no matter how tremendously hard my pregnancies were.
Anyways back to the main topic.
Brent got snipped. Well you are supposed to go back for a test to make sure everything is 100% and I asked him not to do it. So silly I know. I just didnt want to know. I guess I wanted the door to be open so that I could have faith that if it was meant to be and God wanted us to have another child it would be 'easier' to have faith that 'it' could happen. So anyways no test means no confirmation that its 100% even though I'm the most fertile person I know and if if was going to happen it would have happened AGES ago.
Anyways. Totally bouncing all around the place. This month I'm 3 days late. Usually I'm to the hour ( lol, 9pm) so I can't help but hold my womb and pray that maybe it's a baby and was meant to be. I know it's rediculous. We do after all have a fabulous and inexpensive babysitter so realistically it wouldn't be as horrible as having to rely on others to help us. I start talking myself through all these situations about how it wouldn't be a bad thing.
This is totally Sheena. Jumping the gun.
Anyways day 3 late, convinced myself to take a pregnancy test. Negative. Lets be honest there is a reason Brent got snipped. An honest and legitimate reason. It was a decision we made together based on a hard situation.
Today I can't help but be a lil sad though. I know it's for the best. I know it's a choice we made. Today, I'm a little sad though.
Today if I'm entirely honest I'm a little mad at God for toying with my heart. I know that sounds rediculous. It just feels like I can't handle when seeds of hope are planted and even though they are so so so impossible and so so so silly it's just still disheartening.
So I am going to curl up on the couch with a special treat and give my babies am extra cuddle while we watch a special movie and I wait for the impending doom of my period to arrive...now I know it's coming because of that lil test I peed on.
I also might have some self pity so prob don't call me. I might be at my sassiest.
Don't get me wrong. I'm blessed. I know I'm blessed. Today, if I'm honest I'm just doing a lil mourning for the baby we will never have. I am aware of how cray cray I sound lol. Also keep in mind how badly I am PMSing lol so let me keep my crazy pants on and ill put my happy pants on tomorrow after I've enjoyed the Starbucks Frap I'm going to insist Brent picks up for me on his way home and the chick flick I will use as a method to lift my silly spirits.
what about a false negative? sorry, but as i was reading this all I could think was it false negatives happen just as much as false positives. I would get him to bring home another test with the starbucks frap. cause, you never know and your never late :p enjoy your girly movie. hope you feel better.
ReplyDeletexoxo