I Sheena, have always considered myself a forgiving woman. My motto forgive and forget has stood beside me throughout the years. It was a motto that I not only preached but lived. In the past two years something slipped. Something faded. It wasn't that I no longer forgave but in my head I made stipulations that allowed for not absolute forgiveness.
This is a really hard blog for me to post because I know how many people read it and this is a huge character flaw that I recently realized. I am deciding to post only because maybe there is someone who perhaps can emphasize and perhaps appreciate this blog.
The struggles that I have been having are with these situations.
1) Forgiving when forgiveness hasn't been asked for.
2) Forgiving when deep deep hurt has occurred.
I am a Christian woman and I know that God calls me to forgive because he forgave us.I am just being real. Sometimes we say we have forgiven but in reality our heart is still cold and hasn't fully forgiven.
I tell myself, 'Just because I forgave them that doesn't mean that I have to like them or be around them.' If I am saying that does that mean that I have really forgiven them? Am I just giving myself an excuse to seem like the bigger person but in reality I am no better.
There are daily things; spats with your partner, bickering with a girlfriend, instant road rage. These are things that are easy to simply accept, 'forgive' and move on. What about the real things in life. How do you forgive those who hurt you most? Or those who continue to hurt you time and time again.
How do you forgive and accept and come to terms about the fact that it may just happen all over again and simply coming to terms with that?
I understand that this is my flaw, my weakness, this is me just being absolutely real. This is a battle that I have been facing for the last month. There is a couple situations that cause me unbearable discomfort and sadness. Situations that are so truly hard to move on from. How many times does God want us to turn the other cheek?
All that keeps coming up in my head is the pharisees in the bible. They hurt him, humiliated him, and did many wrongs to him. Yet I'm sure he forgave them before they committed there next wrong against him. How Jesus, how? I strive to be more like you but this is one concept that is killing me. True forgiveness. I can say the words, 'I forgive you.' 99.9% of the time forgiveness is natural and easy it's that .1% that is just brutal and I'm pretty sure that is the forgiveness that matters most.
If you don't forgive it seems like it can easily grow into much more. I have never said I hate anyone. I feel like it is such a strong and awful word. The few forgiveness situations that I'm dealing with accumulated because I never dealt with them on a real level. I pretended I did. It was false. Now they have added themselves up and my best friend Jesus convicted me. I am currently fighting him on it. Some days I tell him that I have forgiven. Other days I tell him silly things like I forgive them but I just hate them. (Shudder...That is so not me at all! How does that even make sense?) I have let this non-forgiveness take a hold of my heart. I may never have said that 'H' word out loud but I may as well have if I'm feeling it in my heart.
There is this one situation were the person hasn't asked for forgiveness even though I explained how I was hurt and what hurt me. This is a person I have to be around regularly. Man it burns me every time. Sometimes I try and make excuses not to go. When I am around them I hear nails scratching chalkboard the whole time. Sometimes I drag my feet the whole way but there is no way out of getting out having this person in my life. Not matter what this person did I need to forgive them. No matter what they did. It doesn't matter that they didn't ask for it. I need to give it to them. I am not sure how to get to that end goal yet. I am working on it. Let me tell you it is a battle.
I am 23 years old. I am a wife. I am a mother. I need to be able to fight this battle and conquer it. Why oh why is it oh so hard. Is it just me? Sometimes I think I am absolutely alone in this. I have never heard a christian tell me how hard of a time they are having forgive someone. Perhaps its a faux pas?
It's okay if you judge me. I have to admit two years ago I would have been mortified by this situation and would not have been understanding about how someone could not know how to forgive someone. I don't want to be a woman who says 'I forgive' when in reality I am living a charade.
***Just in case anyone is wondering this person isn't Brent. My hubby is my rock and best friend. He makes me giggle way to fast when I'm mad and forgiving him is way to easy. I should work on it...maybe if I stayed mad longer I could get massages out of those situations ha ha (kidding).***
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Sheena,
ReplyDeleteEveryone struggles with unforgiveness. We are all sinful. It isn't natural to forgive. People don't speak of it because everyone fears judgement. But, the reality is, we are all struggling with it. If every individual were honest with their sinfulness, we could all work together to encourage each other on to pursue righteousness.
The only way to truly forgive is to first deal with the pain. The only way to deal with the pain is to INVITE Jesus into the pain, to ask Him to feel the pain with you and to then surrender that pain to Him. That means sharing with Him what happened that hurt you, how it hurt you and how you felt from the situation. He knows your sinfulness. He knows your unforgiveness. Yet, He loves you and He wants ALL of you - for you to share and surrender EVERY aspect of your life. This includes sharing with Him your pain and feeling it. Only after the pain has been dealt with can you forgive, because you can now look at the one who wronged you with a healing heart, not as the victim. And, only after giving your pain to Christ and declaring that you are aware that He paid the price for that person's wrongs against you as well as because of your own sinfulness with your unforgiveness, can you realize how we are all so desperate for grace yet so undeserving. It is easier to forgive once we become repentant, realizing how sinful we are, how we have done so much damage to ourselves, to others and to Christ with our sinfulness (as you are beginning to recognize with your struggle with unforgiveness) and how unworthy we are to receive anything but judgement and condemnation from God, yet receive love, mercy and grace. After releasing the pain and the care to Christ and repenting for your own fallenness as you can even see with your struggle with forgiving, can you then forgive and truly mean it.
Praying for you as you work through it. Thank you Lord for your grace, for we are all fallen.