Am I pregnant?

Am I pregnant or what? Am I just a hormonal mess? I had a pretty lousy day. Audrey is in bed and it's only 7:45 and I have the house to myself.

I watched the show Parenthood while I was feeding Audrey. As I walked her to her bedroom and layed her down in her crib tears started streaming. This is why the name of my blog is, 'Am I pregnant?' I was never a teary emotional woman but ever since September 09 I have these moments.

Why was I crying? Well I'll explain it. I don't want Audrey to grow up. I don't want to face the reality that one day she may say she hates me. I don't want to encounter the day she no longer needs me. Oh man, here come more tears. I don't want to fail her. I don't want any of these things.

At five months old she looks at me with this enthralled and in love look. Oh Lord, why does it end? Sometimes I look at Audrey and wonder if my mom had these moments? Moments were she brushed my hair back in place, tucked my head in the crook of her neck and held me and prayed that this moment wouldn't end. Sometimes I look at Audrey and praise God for entrusting me with this beautiful miracle I can raise for him. It's such a blessing. I love her so much it's incredible. I never knew this type of love existed. Is every child as completely shocked by this love when they are simply a child and only made aware when they themselves become parents? Does this love for your child change or fade with adolescents? How can I be so shocked?

She has changed my life. I am not ready for her to grow up. Not ready to think of anything but these precious moments that rapidly are slipping through my fingers. It goes so fast. These five months feel like they passed as quickly as a dream yet I can't fathom life without Audrey. Life pre-Audrey feel like a lifetime ago.

I feel guilt. I am planning on going back to work in march and I feel like I am betraying my heart and for what? Ambition and prosperity! Gah. I have days like today were I disgust myself. Not because I think it is horrid if Mothers work. More because in my heart it is not for me and my family. I am merely doing it for a season.

I have till March, to cherish, relish, enjoy and capture every moment with my darling Audrey.

Oh Lord, please equip me to be the woman you desire me to be. Teach me to be the Mother you need me to be to raise my children. Let this love I feel for my children be evident everyday and please let them know how deep and wide it goes.




***another day, another chapter to add to the collection***