Word of 2012

Since January I've had this desire in my heart for two words. They have just come to me over and over.

1) yeast.
I just want 2012 to be the year that God acts as a yeast within my heart. I want him to be the 'agent' that helps me rise up.

2) growth
I just desire that God will let me grow more into the mother, wife and friend that I should be. I want all those roles to be honoring to him.

2010/2011
Those years held many precious memories. So many firsts with our daughter and so many firsts with our son.

Besides those moments that we have cherished as an immediate family I can honestly say that it has been the longest and hardest season of /our my life.

We have started 2012 feeling utterly dry and in need for peace.

Our families have gone through so much drama and have been ripped apart and tossed around. I have cried to Brent many nights because the desire in my heart is to create a safe place to raise our children. I want to protect them from all these things. We can not change our families nor can we choose our families. Every family has skeletons and every family has drama. I just felt like I had no idea that ours could until 2010/2011.

After being sick for 18 months through two pregnancies I am not left with any regret. I would give my life for my babies. I am just left feeling drained. Like I have given so much of me. I am just trying to figure out what normal life is in this world that outside my homes doors feels like chaos. I feel like I deserve a time to be selfish after going through so much. To take time to spend alone with my husband, to go on vacation, to just spend time as a little family of four but life happens.

I also feel like through my pregnancies I found out who my friends were and who cared. I couldn't have made it without my mother in law she was incredible; I grieve in the fact that I needed her so much that I may have taken advantage of her giving selfless nature. She is one of the least selfish people I know. I look at her with so much respect and admiration. She was such an incredible support.

I really want to focus in 2012 in pouring into and discovering friendships that are mutual and that I can count on. I feel like in these past couple months I have started walking away from some friendships for the reason that I don't want to have a million friends. I want to be able to pour into the relationships I have rather then just have many many acquaintances.

2012
I want to start fresh.
I want to date my hubby and fall in love with him all over again.
I was to find a solid group of forever friends.
I want to get know my best friend better, God has been there but I am finding myself in a very dry season an I just want this to be the year that I can really grow into the woman he wants me to be.
I want to focus on my two blessings. I want to be the mother that I always wanted to be (but was to sick to be). I

2012
I want this to be the year that I just feel like I am growing and growing and I want the source of that growth to be from God:my yeast.